How much I would give...

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How much I would give...

Post by Booknerd » September 19th, 2020, 7:42 am

2020 has been a wild year. It's given us unpredictable problems and taken away from us the things we were so used to having in our daily lives. It's made us feel lonely. We're stuck with ourselves, our longings for the past, and our ever-changing emotions. We all have something we miss dearly from the past. And there are some things we've never realized we needed until now. I'm sure we're all going through something similar, and knowing that we aren't the only ones facing these problems might make us feel less alone.

So if you're comfortable sharing, start with the prompt: "How much I would give..." and continue writing to your heart's content. I'll start.

--

How much I would give, to have a real hug again. I've never realized that they were something I needed so badly. After staying quarantined at home for the past summer, I've been feeling more hollow and empty with every passing day. I didn't know how much hugs meant to me until now. For me, hugs have been a way to know that the people beside you are there for you. Even though I have all my friends online through texting and calls, it doesn't feel the same having them not right next to me. Some nights I've been sobbing on the inside, knowing that I'll never get to see my friends in-person for months. I wasn't always the hugging type, but now without any I feel like a shell of my former self. It's made me feel more depressed and mentally unstable knowing that I won't get that feeling of warmth from a hug for a long time. It hurts knowing that people can't be with you during the times you need them the most.
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Re: How much I would give...

Post by foreverphysics » September 20th, 2020, 8:52 am

How much I would give...

To be able to see my friends again. Last year, I moved all the way across the country. It was a good decision for me, personally, and yet I had left a lot of people behind. This year, I was meant to go see a lot of those people.
It was my plane ticket to New York over spring break that got canceled first. And then it was Fanime, and then AX. My friend was meant to come visit me, and he ended up not being able to. The trip to San Diego. The one to Tacoma and Seattle. I was meant to go see my friends in Canada this October. But that seems unlikely to happen.
I've lived, so far, just hanging out with my friends online. We talk. We play games. We read research papers sometimes. We still hang out, in some sense of the word. But in other senses...I haven't really seen a friend in six months.

That's not to say quarantine is all bad. Most of the time, I actually get to sleep a decent amount. I've reconnected with some friends. I've had some time to pursue other interests.

Still...I miss my old friends. The ones that have always been there for me. Maybe I'll get to see them soon.
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Re: How much I would give...

Post by Giantpants » September 20th, 2020, 9:31 am

I could write a ton of these, and maybe I will as some sort of emotional outlet lol

But undoubtedly the most foremost one is...

What would I give to have had a 2020 state tournament?
Yes, yes, I know, so much to think about, so much lost over the past 6 months, and states is still the first place my mind goes to when I think about my biggest defeats and what I would wish to change? It's basic, and from a certain point of view, privileged, and something you'd expect on a scioly website, but yes, I mean it with 100% certainty.

New York's state tournament was cancelled just a week before it was supposed to happen, and hearing my coach, Brother Nigel, tell me "I have bad news" that day, was probably the strangest moment of my life. It felt like a dream... a nightmare I guess. States cancelled? Like, what?

But since I was the leader of the team, I had to accept it immediately, and calling my Astronomy partner who was at school practicing PPP at 7:00 that evening that he didn't need to do that anymore, that was an exceedingly difficult phone call to make.

By this point, Southern California's tournament had already been cancelled, but I thought maybe we could make it, since the virus had initially seen spread on the West Coast, and our states was only a week away. I thought that like we just had to hold out a little bit more, and we'd make it.

But no. The thing that I had spent the past year working towards, thinking of, preparing for, had vanished. All those hours I spent ranting to my team about how we would get 6th place at States had seemingly disappeared into thin air. Every dream I had about states, fanfiction I wrote about states and our team afterwards (yes, I actually did this), the planned vlog our team had made to conclude our trilogy of team vlogs, the tests we were excited to take, the prediction contest I had run on the forums that had garnered 30+ submissions, the New York State forums/discord meetup we had planned, it all felt as though it was for nothing.

I understand that my story isn't special. There are thousands of disappointed Science Olympians across the country who didn't get to go to their states, and a good number who didn't even get to have regionals. I am so so so thankful that we got to flesh out our season with eight competitions prior to States, and those were undoubtedly some of the best memories of my time in Science Olympiad, and in my whole life.

However, I pretty much always get a little sad when I think about it. My whole goal for our team was 6th place, that had been my motivation and basically meaning in life for a year, and I was determined to make my senior year season one of absolutely unforgettable achievement. I remember speaking to my brother over Christmas break that year, I could not go three sentences without somehow mentioning "6th place" haha. While it was still probably Kellenberg's best year ever, that makes it all the more disappointing that we never saw it to fruition. Oh well.

So yeah, having states would've been an immensely good thing, and something I'll probably always think about. And while I'm incredibly thankful for the season I did have, as well as for my own health and the health of those who benefitted from states being cancelled, having to accept the abrupt end to my SO career, what had defined me for years as a person, was probably the hardest thing about the quarantine times for me.

Perhaps I'll write more of these if I feel like it, but yeah. Love you all <3 lol
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Re: How much I would give...

Post by Giantpants » September 20th, 2020, 9:38 am

Booknerd wrote:
September 19th, 2020, 7:42 am
How much I would give, to have a real hug again. I've never realized that they were something I needed so badly. After staying quarantined at home for the past summer, I've been feeling more hollow and empty with every passing day. I didn't know how much hugs meant to me until now. For me, hugs have been a way to know that the people beside you are there for you. Even though I have all my friends online through texting and calls, it doesn't feel the same having them not right next to me. Some nights I've been sobbing on the inside, knowing that I'll never get to see my friends in-person for months. I wasn't always the hugging type, but now without any I feel like a shell of my former self. It's made me feel more depressed and mentally unstable knowing that I won't get that feeling of warmth from a hug for a long time. It hurts knowing that people can't be with you during the times you need them the most.
Booknerd, I don't really know you, but know that were I able to, I would give you the largest hug possible. I am immensely sorry you have had to go through such struggles. While I never really felt super lonely due to quarantine since I constantly placed myself in Discord calls with friends, which had been a norm before the pandemic, there were times where I was overwhelmed with just general sadness, to a point of pure pain that I haven't been at in almost 2 years.

In particular, at the beginning of June, I went through some really tough times where I attempted to isolate myself and cut off all contact with everyone, simply because I felt so awful about myself as a person. It was rough and reminiscent of 2018, when that was basically my entire life. Since June, I've become increasingly hit with social anxiety, which, unlike depression, was something I never struggled with before. I think I still am dealing with side effects of it today, considering how scared I am of people at college, even tho I have plenty of friends and know plenty of people around campus.

Your battle is valid, and I have the highest respect for you continuing to fight. I am truly sorry to hear you feel alone, and the way you feel is justified and understandable. You're immensely strong for continuing to push through despite the pain, and I, along with everyone on scioly.org, am profoundly proud of you.
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Re: How much I would give...

Post by sneepity » September 21st, 2020, 6:17 am

I might not sound serious, but I mean everything I write!
my sentence structure is bad and it's jumbled but I hope you can comprehend!

Not being able to see my friends in person is sad, because we've helped each other so much in the past. Every challenge we have, we've pushed past it and we've grown into better and matured people. Not being to interact them would be totally devastating for me, because in the past, they've essentially been my lifeline. I used to hang out with the most toxic,and passive aggressive people. I was still a little socially dumb at that time to realize that these people were using me for jokes. And then when I got distant from them, I used to go to an art club in school in where which I started becoming friendly with my future friends. They were the nicest people I've ever met at that time. They understood me, supported me, and accepted me for the way I am. We even had similar interests, which was a plus that connected us more. I used to go home and think about why I wasted so much time with people who always made me change and question myself. During the time my friends and I got closer, we all learned important social skills through either harsh experience or common sense. I think learning these in school is an essential life skill. Either way, we always cared for each other and made sure everyone was doing great. I think it's been 3 years since I left the people with a bland sense of humor, which makes me think,how would I be if I stayed with them?
(also yeah lol I'm hopefully much smarter socially)

Anyway, as we became closer, we started going to the mall together with 5 dollars in our pockets, looking around to see if we can buy anything. Those times were the best times in my life. It was when I was truly happy. It made me happy. This summer, we were closer than ever, and if the coronavirus hadn't started, we could've had somuchfun. It's not a significant part of my life, but it was something that I valued a lot. And not being able to do these small activities is sad :(.

But even though we couldn't interact in-person, thanks to zoom and phone calls, we could at least talk and call virtually. It sure can't replace running around in a backyard and super soaking someone, but it was pretty close. We would watch shows, and draw together, and talk about dumb stuff that had no impact on our lives but was an emotional soother, especially for people who don't enjoy living in their homes right now/ have troubles. We relied on these so much to the point that some calls went on for 8 hours. The kids whose conditions in their homes right now rely on them more, and we were ALWAYS there to help them. What I'm saying is that, please let someone in trouble now that you're there for them, and that you will always try to support them. They may not show it,but I guarantee you that they will be thankful for you. It might seem silly,but even if you're an "internet-person", those words mean alot more than you would think. So hopefully,people during these times learn to be there for each other and help out others.

It's been a very big stressor for both children and parents, grandparents and other relatives. It's not just financial,it's also mental toll that the virus takes on us, without directly infecting us. Honestly, I think everyone has learned to be (hopefully) more caring and kind (two apparently overused but important words), and to care more. I really hope most people will be better people (in their terms,ofc) than before.

PS!! if anything is bothering you,or if you need any help whatsoever, shoot me a pm or a dm on discord! I'm available all the time and I'll always help without judging. Please, vent it out and let someone know. I swear that you'll feel better,and your issue might even be solved.
Last edited by sneepity on September 21st, 2020, 6:25 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: How much I would give...

Post by azboy1910 » September 21st, 2020, 11:18 am

I don't have much to say, but,

How much I would give... for things to go back to normal and for me to see my friends again. Over the course of this pandemic, I've felt a wave of emotions and I've developed a strong addiction for watching YouTube videos and have done nothing but complain about how bad this pandemic is and how it's shaped me. instead of connecting with friends for months. I truly regret everything I've done and wish that I could be with my friends once again and make new ones. I realized how important friends were and how important it is to always check up on how your friends are doing and to care for them, listen to them, and that instead of being an introvert, I should learn to connect with more and more people.

And Booknerd, I may not understand how you feel right now or have felt, but know that I am here for you, if you ever wanna talk about anything, feel free to PM me here or on discord!
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Re: How much I would give...

Post by sneepity » September 21st, 2020, 12:09 pm

azboy1910 wrote:
September 21st, 2020, 11:18 am
I don't have much to say, but,

How much I would give... for things to go back to normal and for me to see my friends again. Over the course of this pandemic, I've felt a wave of emotions and I've developed a strong addiction for watching YouTube videos and have done nothing but complain about how bad this pandemic is and how it's shaped me. instead of connecting with friends for months. I truly regret everything I've done and wish that I could be with my friends once again and make new ones. I realized how important friends were and how important it is to always check up on how your friends are doing and to care for them, listen to them, and that instead of being an introvert, I should learn to connect with more and more people.

And Booknerd, I may not understand how you feel right now or have felt, but know that I am here for you, if you ever wanna talk about anything, feel free to PM me here or on discord!
I can understand how you feel,and I Regret tons of decisions too. But I just want to let you know that you have control over your life,and that you can make decisions to make yourself the type of person you want to be. And I don't think that you're complaining, you're venting your feelings. I think that if you try your best and sincerely ask people for advice,and act upon that advice, you can change your life to the way you want it to be. I'm always available to help someone out!
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Re: How much I would give...

Post by Fyren » September 21st, 2020, 5:50 pm

Booknerd, thank you for creating this thread. I don't want to share my "How much I would give..." because it would become incredibly personal, but seeing everyone's posts makes me feel a little bit less alone in my situation, and I'm really grateful for that little boost. <3
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Re: How much I would give...

Post by raytay » September 21st, 2020, 7:47 pm

How much I would give...
...for my classmates to share their troubles with me. I know especially during this time, people have a lot on their minds that they need to let out. I love listening to people’s problems and offering them encouragement. I feel as if that is my calling: to be there for those who need me. I also feel like since I can’t fix my own problems, I can help others fix theirs, or just be a shoulder to cry on. It makes me feel like I make a difference, especially since I don’t usually feel that way since I am shorter and weaker than most. I get what it’s like for no one to care about anything you say. I experience that every day. I try to make sure that the same thing that happens to me doesn’t happen to anyone else who might really need someone to care about what they have to say.

That being said, if anyone feels troubled and wants to share, I will always be available. Again, I live trying to help, so you wouldn’t be bothering me at all.
Last edited by raytay on September 21st, 2020, 7:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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